If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
White parent Vs Arab parents
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching