you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Everything reminds me of my ex
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!