Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
seems like a niche market
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”