Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.