In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Always
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.