It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.