Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.