Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
huge if true: the moon
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here