Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”