Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?