*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough