gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*