I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.