walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Passwords are more important than ever.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐