How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Happy Febuary everyone!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.