Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
why isn’t thunder called soundning
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.