A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over