Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Catering service
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.