I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
house sitting!
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit