us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.