(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You Might Also Like
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Hmmmmm
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks