If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
So that’s what we looked like?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.