I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
🙂🙃🥹
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.