I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You Might Also Like
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.