Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco