[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?