You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!