I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!