humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.