My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
my retirement plan is braless
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.