I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
drew a comic about my origin story
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling