If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you