IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
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I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
can’t bark with your mouth full
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.