Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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good for her
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what