This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.