Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
jesus, what did this guy do
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
The three genders
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.