$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
You Might Also Like
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Genius idea!!
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
#polloftheday
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.