[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Just me?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!