Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
You Might Also Like
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Perfection.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard