If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
This is what makes twitter great
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?