I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO