2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
This is what makes twitter great
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?