The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no