Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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sliding into dms like
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Dolls on drugs
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more