Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Only Americans understand
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.