Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast