What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You Might Also Like
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
This kid is a star!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
it is time once again
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Florida be like…
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”