Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?