Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
mmm onion ringos
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.