Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Breaking news:
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.